Joe Biden: Magic Man

With just a wave of the hand and some mystical power emanating from that weird semi-mullet, tuft of hair on his neck, Joe Biden accomplishes the amazing, even the incomprehensible.

He “won” an election (barring some magic of her own from Sidney Powell) in which his opponent recorded gains in minority votes while simultaneously winning 18 of 19 bellwether counties across the country. Biden got people by the hundreds of thousands to vote only for him and not any other Democrat down ballot while his opponent only registered similar votes (per state) in the hundreds.

Joe Robinette, despite refusing to openly campaign, appears to have aroused such electoral enthusiasm as to surpass Barack Obama’s record popular vote total from 2008–by more than 11 million votes! Wow! And, though he performed far worse than Obama in urban areas like Cleveland and Miami, he waved his magic mask to get incredible turnout in Milwaukee, Detroit, Philadelphia and Atlanta. Precise wizardry, wouldn’t you say?

It does not end there. He’s rendered the media even more subservient to his will and whims than ever before. That might be difficult to imagine, given the unrelenting hard ball questions the media peppered him with when he ventured from his basement in the campaign. Who can forget all of the questions prefaced with, “How do you deal with Trump being such a racist?” and the classic “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” Having such vital information in their pockets, now the media dares not ask him a question at all, to the great dismay of the Corn Pop 2024 campaign.

The one thing that required no magic or even effort from Joe Robinette was the “Catholic” Archbishop of Washington, Wilton Gregory, folding like an accordion (when you have no spine or heart, this is facile) and assuring the Magic Man that the sacraments will be open to him, despite Joe’s open advocacy of genocide in the womb, despite canon law. A seraph is responsible for that black magic; the same seraph who tempted the Eternal Logos to bow before him; in compensation, Christ would receive all of the kingdoms and states of the world. They were the seraphim’s to begin with. I sure do hope that Gregory spares Joe the crosier fighting to pay homage first nor lose his mitre bending over to honor him or kiss his claws.

For the grand finale of this magic show, Joseph Robinette the Amazing, resurrects CIA spooks, big corporate hacks, would-have-been Hillary Clinton deep staters, and Janet Yellen of all people from obscurity to become members of his would-be administration.

Get your tickets now.